The End of the Road?

So since I am having so much trouble trying to get to the Viking;i decided to try other options. I posted once more on Craigslist to try my luck. This time I had much fewer responses. Today I met the IT guy. 42 divorced one child and everything in the right place. He's very sweet and charming. I know he's passionate to what he does. He remind me a lot of the Mechanic in his early months, before he showed his true colors but working and making money AND without the weed. I still remember his long fingers doing a great hand massage. I just wanted to lay my head on his shoulder. His eyes will look into mine and i would blush. We were supposed to meet for 15 minutes and it ended up in 2 hours. I loved the fact that he made the time for me and wasn't trying to get into my pants. Let's see where this goes

"You think that you can do without me" - Counting Crows

So I did it with The Viking . . .

Dragged me to his bed and we ended up making a mess on that huge bed of his. However, we have changed.
This time he wasn't handsy and we spoke a lot this time. I simply said I have to go and even though he tried to kiss me, I put on the excuse of lipstick ( did I mention it was red? ) But I gave him a great hug. And left.

I think I have found the half way mark

The Bed is Made

I have had an itch that I haven't been able to scratch for a very long time. You know what I am talking about.
Last night my dear sister sent me a text ( very raunchy) which I translated and sent to my anglo-saxon friends. The Viking was one of them. I immediately received a text from him and we have arranged for a rendevous on Tuesday. So there it is, he made his bed and he is about to lay on it.
Starting tomorrow, I will be going on my fruit/veggie/good stuff diet to lose like 5 lbs. I will get me a spring it dress from Old Navy. I will shave every single follicle from my chin down and I will smell better than a cinnamon roll. And on the same way, I will do him and rock his world; and that will be my opportunity of getting up and looking at my fake watch ( "ooh, would you look at the time/no hunn, I am going to the buffet: but you were a tiger ) a kiss on the cheek, ( or on the forehead ) and au-revouir. This is a second chance . . .

My Cards Told Me He Would Be Back

So I see you are alive and kicking ( and trying to kick my way ).

Thanks to Facundo Bacardi and Mr. Dole Piña Colada mix we are in contact once more. You find yourself alone once more and once more you turn over here . . .

However, this is NOT the same girl you left out in the cold some two months ago. Sweet as always, yes. But this time this girl has her eyes wide open. This girl wants something you are not able to provide; you will have your reasons.

If you don’t know what the heck I am talking about, maybe is the same thing that drove you away. It’s love, baby boy. Love.

I have realized that I can’t separate one from the other. This is thanks to you. Please, don’t take it as an insult; I am thankful you did what you did. And now, my only goal is to make love to someone who loves me. And I love him too. I know you are looking for no strings attached. So yes, I want to be your friend, but without the benefit.

I can still share recipes, send you audio clips and stuff that is your passion. I can try to go to one or two of your shows to show support. Remember I admire you as a person more than what you ever imagine. However, unless I am really drunk or you are willing to take that next step, we can’t share bed.

Though, no worries; rest assured, my opinion about you has not changed a bit, I still get myself off thinking of our encounters and your beautiful, tantalizing and sexy self and your idle hands. I am just waiting patiently to the day that you can see me the same way I see you.

Mexican Wrestler - By Jill Sobule

Sometimes I wish that I was an angel
A fallen angel who visits your dreams
And in those dreams I'd blow you a message that says
You really want me

Sometimes I wish that I was a wrestler
A Mexican wrestler in a red vinyl mask
And I might grab you, body slam you, and maybe cause
physical harm
But when we would land
I might take pity on you
I can crack all your ribs
But I can't break your heart

You will never love me
And this I can't forgive
That you will never love me
As long as I will live

Sometimes I wish that I was a beauty
A beautiful girl who was still 21
And I'd turn your head as well as your buddies
And I could afford to play hard to get
We'd go to parties and you'd show me off
And I'd go home with someone else

You will never love me
And this I can't forgive
And it will always bug me
As long as I will live
You will never love me
Why should I even care
It's not that you're so special
You're just the cross I bear
You will never love me

Desires

My desires to see the Viking are growing and growing ever so strong. I can't stop thinking about him. Today I went with a friend to the Bishop's store and it happens to be close from where he lives. I thought I would drop him a line. To see how's he doing. After all, besides the feelings and admiration, there was a friendship. But then I read my weekly tarot it kind of tols me something really interested. It tells me to watch for ethical conflicts ( Card 5, the Hierophant ) The one on Monday also told me Do the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do. Peace of mind comes from making the decisions. Put aside any selfish interests. It may be necessary to sacrifice in order to achieve success. Instead of trying to control situations and people; LEAVE THEM ALONE ( Card 12; the hanged man ).

It's pretty much telling me to just let go. But I miss his face.

The Waiting Game

I received a call yesterday from the Health Department. Reason why? Well, someone decided to list me as a partner and this person has been diagnosed with HIV. I was floored. Figures, I stay single and I stay monogamous, but the one ( or the ones ) I was with doesn't!.

The results won't be in for 2 weeks. So now is just wait.

I have only had two sexual partners in the last 3 years, is not that I've been getting around. If it was The Mechanic, well, what a way to find out that he left me more than bills. If it was The Viking, well; I knew he wasn't exclusive to me, but it was both of our fault because I brought the protection, he didn't use it and I didn't enforce it.

Be what it may, I'll just have to resignate and move on. I was thinking maybe on if its like that, I won't have any more children, and I may be able to have my breast reduction. Just have to be more careful and more clean.

The tarot cards said about change. Maybe this is the change I was getting . . .

I want to thank you for letting be myself again

Yes, it’s been some time

I really wanted to tell you this, and I really don’t know if you are going to delete this before you read it.

We stopped seeing each other about a month ago. I am not gonna lie to you, it took me by surprise. What happened in 13 days, I’ll never know. I did feel like Hiroshima after the A-Bomb. I was raking my brain thinking “what did I do wrong?” “ was it something I said?” “ Did I miss something?” “ Is there something I didn’t do enough?” “ was it something I did too much?” . I must say it had been a journey.

This morning, I came across the mix I made that reminded me of you. But even though two weeks ago I had chest pains every time I listen to it, is not that I am indifferent to it but I came to terms with what we had. I was trying to make something emotional out of the physical relationship we had. And it started bad (well, physical satisfaction is not bad); but ended even worse. So thanks to our latest endeavor, I have made some changes into my habits. And I also realize I can’t do booty calls. And that was my mistake towards you, so I apologize for any discomfort I may have caused you. I know you wanted to control the situation, but I think it went out of your hands. And that’s when you pursued someone else.

I know your intent was never to hurt me. But it’s a very thin line between physical and emotional to me and I didn’t see that until it’s too late.

Thanks for making me realize a lot of things about me on those marvelous 4 months. It was quite a journey.

It's Been 7 Hours and 15 days

technically 15 hours and 15 days.

He hurts less and less. He is still there.

I think of all the things I coul've had said of what I could have tell him. I feel like Fermina Daza when Dr. Juvenal Urbino died; she would pat herself on the forehead because she forgot to tell him something or remind him something.

I do want to be his friend and I want to know his sucess and all. I want to tell him how much I admire him. But I think is too late now . . .

I just hope

It's been exactly one week since the end.

I am still somewhat feeling mopey; but not as bad as it used to be. All I remember is that last picture with his expression of relief in his face.

I hope that that someone else loves him from who he is, not for what he is or what he has. I know I do.

It's been one week since you looked at me

I remember where I was one week for today.

I was having lunch with my co workers and one of my friends asked me about The Viking, curiously referring to him as “my boyfriend” I corrected her explaining her that no, he is not, but we were doing great. I explained her that due to our particular situation I could not consider him just as a friend with special benefits. That’s what my head was programmed to think; but my heart has never agreed with my head, so when I received that text message the day after, my heart was broken. My heart had not agreed with my brain about how I feel about him.

During the week I felt as is something was missing; my heart was making me aware of what I have lost. But my head started working full speed on why should I not be sad. My heart told my head to start browsing “what went wrong? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? “And all I could remember was the many times I made your colors flush away from your face, or you turn speechless. But my head told my heart: “He is emotionally unavailable” or “ he wasn’t that much into you” . With time and some tears shed, I finally got my heart and my head to agree on one thing: I will always love him; but he is not convenient for me. I know he won’t be willing to open up or share his world. My heart said “ I hope this special person loves him for who he is not for what he is or what he does or what he has; because I did “

He hurts less now in me. Even though there are moments that I wish I had one more day. I just hope he is OK. All I know is that he keeps appearing on my Tarot cards.

Epiphany

I have been mopy. I am not lying to you. The Viking was a turning point in my life that came as a hurricane and left as a hurricane. I did feel destroyed.

But I am learning to realize a lot of things about myself:

I don’t know what real love is
I hook up with people for all the wrong reasons
I can’t distinguish between love and sex.

I felt he wanted to end it way before a week ago, but he didn’t have the words.

But I also figured that even though he is what I wanted, he is not what I needed. Most likely the reason why he is turning his back to me is because he didn’t want me to fall for him, yet when we were together he did nothing to stop it.

Right now I feel a bit better ( I am not crying as much ) but for now there are things I need to work on.
The dream I had was the Omen of my effect: It’s written . . .

I Guess I'll Never Know

Day 2

Everything appeared to look so fine. I had settled for the breadcrumbs of a relationship that would not be outdoors. But your charm and your caress and your attention and your kindness had gone way over that. Then the inevitable happened. You said you found someone else. And you couldn’t see me anymore. Moments after I was deleting all your text messages and erasing your pictures and taking you off my “my space”. Then I looked at that last picture. You were smiling and you looked relieved. As you didn’t have to look for anything else; like I felt back in September when I met you.

I guess you were serious into not wanting a relationship. So when you started to open up and get into your world, that’s when you decided to put an end to it. What ticks me up is that I played by the unwritten rules of this game. Look for you for sex, have breakfast ready. And be out of your hair for possibly weeks at a time ( I can’t do months. I went a month and I went crazy ). But still wasn’t what you were looking for. I really don’t understand. And I have left is a remorse that I may have not make anything of us. That was my fault that I screwed up, that I smothered you or rubbed you the wrong way. I feel so empty and incomplete. Once more, I am out there. And I have learned to be by myself but I don’t want to be lonely. You did say I was a great lady, but enough for you to be your great lady. I feel so “not enough”

Your relieved expression is what gets me, while you were forcing your smile with my picture. That should’ve told me something. The dream I had about “everything is written” was another signal. Why didn’t I pay attention to the signs? I guess I never do pay attention to that. I’ve should’ve jump off the boat while it was closer to shore. Now that I’ve been pushed off overboard I am drowning, even though I am a good swimmer.

I've should've figured when you didn't get me anything for x-mas

So you found someone else.

My dream told me about it. Everything was written.

The only thing is that I feel like a fool once again. A fool that failed to see the writing on the wall. Once again I fell flat on my face. And that's what I was trying to avoid. One of this days I will understand why

The Viking

So one day I am looking at My Facebook, minding my own business; I think I sign in for a Speed Date thing. Many guys sent me winks and stuff. But all of them were in other states ( what's up with CA, people! ) . So the first one from the area who approached me is this percussionist.

He looked good in the picture. So I emailed him back. And we have been e-mailing/ texting for about two weeks now. The day of our first date, he felt himself coming down with something. He texted me and I had to take care of some business with my older son ( the son of the psychic ). So after the car overheating many times and almost red lining 3 times, I dropped my son over at his house and went to see the Viking at his lair.

Well, The Viking is a very imponent man. Really Big Guy. Husky. You can see he is strong. Already combing gray hairs. But makes him look distinguished.

We sat on his couch and we had the longest make out session I had in ages. I don't think I had something like that since, huh, college ( YES, VERY LATE BLOOMER) . I felt his beard rubbing against my face and it felt so good. It actually took me back to my first kiss. Alone. In the backseat of a car with a guy who I liked.

His hands caressed my face, my lips, the back of my neck, my back, my lower back. I felt lost when his collosal arms surrounded me. His big lips and even enormous tongue where licking from my neck up to catch any sweat drops so we can taste it together. This strong man will not let me go for nothing. I don't know if my arms would be able to reach around his ginormous back.

He got on her knees in front of me and the couch and started kissing my neck, to my neck bone and was trying to reach south when I had to stop him. And he told me "but I am being good!" with this child like mischevious voice. I thought at any moment he was gonna have my legs wrapped around him and he was gonna drag me to this gigantic bed and that was gonna be the end of an era. I felt like Jell-o in his arms. He noticed my hand shaking when I took a sip of water.

I left half an hour afterwards and I was still shaking, having the smell of the aftershave all over my face and my hands and feeling his beard scratching my face and my neck.

We have been in contact for the most of the days. And yesterday morning, I had the pleasure of ending the era. We spooned each other and that's when everything started. I have not had action in quite sometime, so I was tighter than usual. I cannot remember how many times I climaxed, but doing it on a bed that big was fun. I remember laying down vertically on that bed ( that's how big it is )next to him, stroking his hair.

We went to watch TV for a bit and when it stroked 10am, I went to change clothes. He saw me from plain Jane to Mean Ginger in a matter of 10 minutes. He was like you did a Clark Kent/Superman.

15 minutes before my departure, he attacked me again. I drug him to his to his collosal bed but I looked at the time. So we couldn't finish. I sent him a message letting him know that our scent is entwined between my fingers.

He mentioned something about "it could be like this every morning" ( HUMMMM ) I took it as a mission every morning after putting the Yahoo's on the bus.

This could be the beggining or the end.