It's Been 7 Hours and 15 days

technically 15 hours and 15 days.

He hurts less and less. He is still there.

I think of all the things I coul've had said of what I could have tell him. I feel like Fermina Daza when Dr. Juvenal Urbino died; she would pat herself on the forehead because she forgot to tell him something or remind him something.

I do want to be his friend and I want to know his sucess and all. I want to tell him how much I admire him. But I think is too late now . . .

I just hope

It's been exactly one week since the end.

I am still somewhat feeling mopey; but not as bad as it used to be. All I remember is that last picture with his expression of relief in his face.

I hope that that someone else loves him from who he is, not for what he is or what he has. I know I do.

It's been one week since you looked at me

I remember where I was one week for today.

I was having lunch with my co workers and one of my friends asked me about The Viking, curiously referring to him as “my boyfriend” I corrected her explaining her that no, he is not, but we were doing great. I explained her that due to our particular situation I could not consider him just as a friend with special benefits. That’s what my head was programmed to think; but my heart has never agreed with my head, so when I received that text message the day after, my heart was broken. My heart had not agreed with my brain about how I feel about him.

During the week I felt as is something was missing; my heart was making me aware of what I have lost. But my head started working full speed on why should I not be sad. My heart told my head to start browsing “what went wrong? What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? “And all I could remember was the many times I made your colors flush away from your face, or you turn speechless. But my head told my heart: “He is emotionally unavailable” or “ he wasn’t that much into you” . With time and some tears shed, I finally got my heart and my head to agree on one thing: I will always love him; but he is not convenient for me. I know he won’t be willing to open up or share his world. My heart said “ I hope this special person loves him for who he is not for what he is or what he does or what he has; because I did “

He hurts less now in me. Even though there are moments that I wish I had one more day. I just hope he is OK. All I know is that he keeps appearing on my Tarot cards.

Epiphany

I have been mopy. I am not lying to you. The Viking was a turning point in my life that came as a hurricane and left as a hurricane. I did feel destroyed.

But I am learning to realize a lot of things about myself:

I don’t know what real love is
I hook up with people for all the wrong reasons
I can’t distinguish between love and sex.

I felt he wanted to end it way before a week ago, but he didn’t have the words.

But I also figured that even though he is what I wanted, he is not what I needed. Most likely the reason why he is turning his back to me is because he didn’t want me to fall for him, yet when we were together he did nothing to stop it.

Right now I feel a bit better ( I am not crying as much ) but for now there are things I need to work on.
The dream I had was the Omen of my effect: It’s written . . .

I Guess I'll Never Know

Day 2

Everything appeared to look so fine. I had settled for the breadcrumbs of a relationship that would not be outdoors. But your charm and your caress and your attention and your kindness had gone way over that. Then the inevitable happened. You said you found someone else. And you couldn’t see me anymore. Moments after I was deleting all your text messages and erasing your pictures and taking you off my “my space”. Then I looked at that last picture. You were smiling and you looked relieved. As you didn’t have to look for anything else; like I felt back in September when I met you.

I guess you were serious into not wanting a relationship. So when you started to open up and get into your world, that’s when you decided to put an end to it. What ticks me up is that I played by the unwritten rules of this game. Look for you for sex, have breakfast ready. And be out of your hair for possibly weeks at a time ( I can’t do months. I went a month and I went crazy ). But still wasn’t what you were looking for. I really don’t understand. And I have left is a remorse that I may have not make anything of us. That was my fault that I screwed up, that I smothered you or rubbed you the wrong way. I feel so empty and incomplete. Once more, I am out there. And I have learned to be by myself but I don’t want to be lonely. You did say I was a great lady, but enough for you to be your great lady. I feel so “not enough”

Your relieved expression is what gets me, while you were forcing your smile with my picture. That should’ve told me something. The dream I had about “everything is written” was another signal. Why didn’t I pay attention to the signs? I guess I never do pay attention to that. I’ve should’ve jump off the boat while it was closer to shore. Now that I’ve been pushed off overboard I am drowning, even though I am a good swimmer.

I've should've figured when you didn't get me anything for x-mas

So you found someone else.

My dream told me about it. Everything was written.

The only thing is that I feel like a fool once again. A fool that failed to see the writing on the wall. Once again I fell flat on my face. And that's what I was trying to avoid. One of this days I will understand why